


Just me and you

by hwasunny



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, First Love, M/M, No Beta, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenagers, Unvoiced Feelings, open end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26377042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwasunny/pseuds/hwasunny
Summary: Seonghwa is a good actor: his heart breaks into thousands pieces, but he is silent - suffering without a single sound or word. Because he used to.  Because for San he is ready to endure even eternity.
Relationships: Choi San & Park Seonghwa, Choi San/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Just me and you

**Author's Note:**

> New Taemin album is bop, so I wrote it during listening Just me and you.

_When it comes to San, Seonghwa is ready to endure eternity._ Ready to withstand the dishonorable number of hits delivered to his already fragile heart; ready to go through all the difficulties that will meet on his way, because everything only starts at eighteen; ready to give a piece of himself to San every time, without asking for anything in return - he will never receive one that is needed.

Seonghwa can't wait for gentle kisses on the lips, hugs in the mornings, and movie nights together. Because San is who he is - erratic, active and too... just too much for this world. Because Seonghwa is just a beloved hyung for him, almost like an older brother who is always there and knows how to help.

It's so common for people to shred each other's hearts to smithereens that Seonghwa is used to it - apparently it should be so. Nonreciprocity in it’s strongest, yet pure and innocent, almost childlike form.

Park will never do something that San doesn't like: he wouldn’t want to see a frustrated face that will not be decorated with cute dimples. Choi, apparently, does not think about the seniors' feelings to the same extent that hyung cares about him - he can sometimes afford to be insolent, makes him worry about frequent night walks in the empty city. But with any problem or failure, he runs to the brunette to cry into the sharp, so dear, shoulder.

Because Seonghwa cannot refuse. Because he's _nothing more than a hyung_ that will never get closer. Located at arm's length, but so far away, almost unattainable.

For the first time in his life, Seonghwa regrets that he was born earlier than someone else: he would like to stay in high school, but will not come out. San isn’t seventeen years old yet, he has the last, probably the most difficult graduation class ahead - and Park finished it this year and there are already suitcases with things at home, waiting for their cherished hour. Only when this time will come is completely unknown. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few weeks.

Want more, closer, stronger. More time together, the distance is closer and stronger embrace, to be remembered and deposited in memory forever. But nothing is permanent, so Seonghwa relishes every moment - a fleeting smile, infectious laughter and beady eyes with a fox's squint.

When it comes to San, Seonghwa is ready to endure eternity. _But it’ll end soon for them._

“Hyung,” San draws out and smiles drunkenly - eyes covered with black bangs stick together from fatigue or the amount of alcohol consumed this evening, “hyung, where have you been?”

“Went to see Yeosang,” Seonghwa sits down on the arm of the couch and pats Choi on the dark strands, his lips lifting in a smile.

“I'm tired, hyung,” the voice is whiny to the point of impossibility, but so gentle.

San is a child, even if he is trying to be older: he pulls his thin hands to the elder, blows his cheeks and his already plump lips, clings with his fingers to the collar of someone else's T-shirt. Seonghwa looks up and sees in front of him the most charming and lovable person that can exist. A boy that breaks his heart even more with every second, taking a piece for himself - and Park is ready to give it entirely, if only San is happy.

Hands on the shoulder and waist, body to body, heavy breathing in the neck. San is light, almost like a feather - Seonghwa is constantly worried that the younger eats little and does more sports. He doesn’t want to lose the child he met ten years ago - the child who is already being replaced by a teenager. Different. Unwonted.

A handsome guy who enjoys drinking with friends on the weekends despite his young age. Who left the church choir and went to the gym. She snaps often, loves to tease and sometimes even get into a fight, and in the evenings she clings to her warm skin, which always smells of peach shower gel.

Hongjoong clearly doesn’t mind that they end up in one of the rooms of his huge house, the rule of which is only one "not to puke on the bed and carpets", and so at least kill someone - no difference.

The younger falls onto the bed, the mattress creaks unusually and Seonghwa squints at an unpleasant sound - in his head memories of how little San complained about Park's bed, that walked at night from any movement, and how he offered to spread the sheets on the floor. Uncomfortable, tough, but in contrast to Choi's soft embrace, which clings to the back of the elder's head with his handles, fingering dark strands. It was so long ago, but Seonghwa remembers every gentle touch. Because it is from San and he cannot forget this.

San grumbles something displeased: black hair is spread over the pillow, the black tank top has washed off, and the boots are rattling lightly on the blanket. Seonghwa is angry at this careless picture, drastically pulls the black boots off the younger - personal hygiene concepts prevent even the beloved small ones from staining the sheets.

Can’t leave a mark on the bed, but can on heart.

Choi once again blows his lips like a duck and tries to raise his head, examine the room where he is. The world is spinning like an attraction, and the only support is the silhouette of a hyung that sits next to him and looks at the floor.

“Seonghwa-ya,” San rolls over on his side and moves closer to the elder. Moment - and fragile arms wrap around the waist, and the forehead is buried in the side. The younger one can feel the ribs even through the fabric and realizes that Seonghwa has also lost weight. Why - doesn’t say, prefers to be silent or laugh it off. And San is silent and does not show that he sees bruises and puffy eyes: he still will not receive a clear answer.

That head turns, looks into the eyes-universes, where an infinite number of stars shine. And he knows it. For a long time studied every mole visible on the younger's body, freckles on the neck, dimples, curves of the young body. Too good, but that makes it so bad.

Yes, and he’s ready to argue that San himself knows him no worse, but in a different way: he remembers the scar on his head from a stone that flew in as a child, a rib that was broken several years ago during a football match, and even about the bracers that were removed for another four years back.

How long ago it was.

When it comes to San, Seonghwa is ready to endure eternity. _And it is already finishing - too much on their way passed over the years._

_“Kiss me, Seonghwa.”_

The elder's heart stops beating for a few seconds. Adrenaline hits the head, breathing spirals, and he looks at the guy next to him with his eyes wide with surprise. _Is it a joke?_

San doesn’t realize that every action brings pain to the heart in love - unbearable, burning his own name in the soul. And such words are completely equal to a death sentence.

 _He's drunk_ , Seonghwa thinks, looking at the floor again, raising his eyes fearfully. _And if not? What if he really wants to?_

His brain is on fire, but Park tries not to succumb to temptation. He wants it, no, he even wants it so bad — every year for his birthday for the last few years he has been dreaming exactly about this, realizing that the probability of coming true is extremely small. And now, having the opportunity, he doubts.

Seonghwa cannot take advantage of this moment - he has no right. San is drunk. He wants simple love and tenderness right now, which he rarely gets at home. And the elder is ready to give him all the warmth of his body every time to warm the frozen soul - let San take it all without a trace.

Seonghwa means “ _to be a star_ ”, and San, as everyone is used to affectionately calling him, is “ _the sun”._ Even if they are in the same sky, they never intersect - also with their feelings. As much as Park tried to keep up with the younger, he constantly flew forward and hid behind the horizon, leaving behind a sunset and time for reflection. The stars at night are as bright as his feelings, but by morning they will be extinguished. Because Seonghwa is a coward.

A coward who wants reciprocity, but is afraid to admit his feelings. He doesn’t know how to talk about them and prefers to remain silent until it is too late, just not to hear that awful "no."

_Doesn't even hope for "yes"._

“I won't, San.” Seonghwa tries to clean up as soon as possible in this state, stroking the younger's hair. There is calmness on face - a damn hurricane in soul, sweeping away everything in its path.

“Why don't you want to kiss me?” Again childishly, squeezing the waist more tightly and starting to shudder a little from the approaching shiver. San is offended, but he cannot say this out loud - pride is going to kill him all, leaving nothing.

He never got rejected by hyung. A disgusting feeling creeps through the veins, lets poison under the skin.

“Because you don’t really want to.” Seonghwa gently releases his hold on his body, stands up a little and looks at San. The eyes stick together, and on the eyelashes there are probably tears and the elder's heart bleeds from this. But he decided for himself. Refusal is the most painless in this situation for both of them.

_Or this blatant lie that won't hurt just one._

“But I want, Hwa-ya!” Choi whimpers, rubbing his eyes with his fists and pulling his legs up to curl up into a ball. A habit from childhood that was shown too often and was well remembered. San is tactile, demanding as hell of attention, now he feels lonely again.

He is in a huge house, music is roaring outside the door and people are screaming approvingly, some of his friends are sitting there, on sofas, sipping alcohol and lighting something. And San is here, almost alone, already drunk and burning with feelings inside. It hurts Seonghwa to see him like this.

“Let's do so,” Pak gently touches someone else's cheekbones with his fingers, leading the big one across the cheek, calming the guy next to him. He lifts the edge of the blanket and slaps his palm against the sheets, calling for something. “We now go to bed, and in the morning if you remember this, then I will kiss you. _Okay_?”

Nod.

San won't remember exactly. He always forgets, and his beloved hyung reminds him. Because he considers it necessary. But he will keep silent about this.

Choi crawls under the covers and waits for the elder to take off his shoes and then join him. Peach shower gel, deep breath and dark hair. Even after so many years, nothing has changed.

San throws his hand over someone else's waist and pulls him closer - much more - unknown, but wants more. And Park is torn to pieces from the inside because of the promise that he will not keep for the first time in his life.

Seonghwa hugs the younger one with one arm while his head rests on the other. Choi's hair is incredibly soft, almost marshmallow - even after so many dyes that the elder did for him. He remembers how San came to him several years ago with paint in his hands and said the simple "I'm tired of it." Someday, he will get tired of Seonghwa too - just a matter of time.

“Hyung…” the guy lifts his head and looks straight into the eyes, clings to the waist with his hand even tighter, but with his vision, he can't focus normally. His eyelashes still glisten a little with tears and Park hurries to run his thumb over his eyelids, brushing off the moisture.

“It's okay, San-i, go to sleep.” Seonghwa gives in a little forward. The action is incredibly stupid, but it's better to be a fool and once again endure a piece of heart that comes off than to see the younger cry. Park gently touches his closed eyelids with his lips, leaving weightless kisses on it. Close, intimate, tender, as he wanted, but the message is completely different - for Choi this is the usual comfort from the hyung, for him - the most sophisticated torture and test of strength.

Seonghwa wants to shut off his thoughts for at least a minute this night, full of San's deep breathing and the loud sound of his poor heart. He draws his silhouette in the dark, remembers again - the head is not rubber, but he does not want to forget this single moment of such closeness.

How he will turn it around in his head - with a smile on his face or tears in his eyes - is another question, without an answer.

When it comes to San, Seonghwa is ready to endure eternity. _But he is a coward who feels sorry for himself. The coward who destroyed them with infinity._

San stretches on the bed, crumples the blanket next to him, and notices that the other half is empty. His heart breaks into a thousand pieces, just like Park’s. San wakes up thinking that he still wants to kiss hyung.

Seonghwa meets her first morning in another city, trying to forget his own problems. And he will never know how empty and bad the youngest feels, sitting in that huge bed and crying into the shoulder of another hyung.

_Seonghwa is selfish, and San gave all of himself for just one promise that will not be fulfilled._


End file.
